Don't Make Promises (You Can't Keep)
by Scarpaw
Summary: "Promise" is a very big word, and there's a reason Izaya doesn't like using or hearing it.
Happy birthday, oh great Trash King! As sacrifice, have some light angst.

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Durarara!**

 _ **Don't Make Promises (You Can't Keep)**_

" _Promise" is a very big word, and there's a reason Izaya doesn't like using or hearing it._

It starts when he's eight.

It's not the first time his parents have gone abroad in his life, nor is it the longest. It _is_ one of the few times he's been left home alone while they're gone though, left with only relatives popping in on him every other day or so to make sure he hasn't hurt himself by accident and that he's eating and still attending school. He's not quite used to being alone like this, being left alone by his family – school's different, he's used to other kids ignoring him.

It starts, with a phone call.

" _Don't worry Iza-chan!"_ His mother croons over the phone, voice broken up by static from the distance. Izaya doesn't remember what country exactly his parents are currently in, but he knows that the distance is far enough that his parents have to stay up late to call him in early evening. " _I promise, your dad and I will be home in time for your birthday. Just you wait and see!"_

"Okay Mom," Izaya believes his mother at this point, because this is a point in his life where his parents have never lied to him before. His parents haven't broken a promise yet, and Izaya's mind can't fathom yet why his parents would. There's no reason to restrain the hopefulness in his voice when he ends the phone call with, "I'll see you and Dad next week."

" _That's right!"_ Cheers his mother happily, " _Now I gotta go Iza-chan, but we'll see you next week, for sure!"_

They say goodbye, exchange a familial "I love you", and hang up, Izaya returning the phone to its base. He grabs his bookbag and heads up to his room to do his homework.

A week later, he's waiting anxiously by the window, peering out it, wondering when his aunt and uncle are going to show up. His parents' flight is supposed to come in this evening, and his aunt and uncle always take him to the airport so he can greet his parents and give them a ride home. Izaya doesn't know when their flight is supposed to arrive, but as the sun starts to set giving way to dusk and evening, a clenching feeling forms in his chest that he surmises to be worry.

Dragging himself from the window, he takes the phone off its base, and looks at the emergency contacts on the fridge until he finds his aunt's phone number. He punches in the number, and moves back to the window on the off chance that everyone's just running late.

" _Iza-chan!"_ His aunt sounds surprised when she answers the phone, something similar to concern in her voice. " _Is everything all right?"_

"Mmhmm," He hums, though everything isn't all right. Izaya knows better than to show it though, because if he tells adults that everything isn't all right, they start worrying and acting weird around him and Izaya's not quite sure how to handle it. "I was just wondering when you guys were coming to get me. Mom said her and Dad's flight was supposed to come in tonight."

" _Oh,"_ Izaya recognizes the fall in his aunt's voice as she speaks, and something clenches in his chest again. " _You mean your mom didn't call you?"_

"No," Izaya shakes his head as he talks, wondering what happened. "The last time I talked to her was last week."

" _I see."_ He hears his uncle shout something in the background, and then his aunt's voice answers him, muffled and distant, as if she's covering the mouthpiece of the phone with her hand – his mother does that sometimes, too, when she has to call to his father when he's in a different room and she's on the phone. " _I'm sorry to be the one to tell you this Iza-chan, but your parents aren't coming home tonight._ "

A lump forms in his throat, and Izaya isn't quite sure he understands what his aunt is saying. A dark part of him knows exactly what his aunt is saying, but he doesn't want to acknowledge it. _Can't_ acknowledge it.

"So their flight was delayed?" He asks, because it's better than acknowledging what his aunt is very obviously implying. "They're going be here tomorrow instead?"

" _No, Iza-chan_ ," His aunt replies, slowly, gently, like she thinks he's about to start crying – which he isn't, he _isn't_. " _Something came up with work, and they had to cancel their flight. They're not coming home this week."_

"But," Izaya's voice is small, and he tries to keep the warble that wants to break into his tone out of it. He has never before in his life felt so betrayed as he does in this moment. "Tomorrow's my _birthday._ " He says it like it can change anything. "Mom _promised._ "

" _I know she did,"_ His aunt tries to sound consoling. " _And she's really upset she can't make it."_

His aunt offers to take Izaya for ice cream after school tomorrow, and he reluctantly agrees.

Neither of them mention who Izaya would rather spend the day with.

* * *

In the last year of Elementary, when Izaya is twelve, his year has a trip scheduled to go to Kyoto. The trip is an overnight one, the year meant to spend two days and one night visiting the area and the shrines. Scheduled to leave early in the morning – way before school even starts – and return really late the following evening, students are required to have parental permission to attend the trip, and their parents are required to drop them off and pick them up the following evening. The trip sounds exciting, and everyone really wants to go, Izaya included even though he has no one to share the excitement with, but there's one problem.

His parents are abroad.

Having left last week for some sort of work trip in Korea or China, or whatever nearby country across the ocean they went to, his parents aren't in the area to sign his permission slip. And they won't be back in the country until the Wednesday after the slips are due in to Sensei, and Izaya already knows that neither of his parents will be around to drop him off or pick him up on the trip dates. It's a matter of looking at the kitchen calendar, a matter of looking at the dates circled in red and blue – red meaning departure, blue meaning return – and knowing that while his parents return on a Wednesday, they're home for two weeks or so before leaving two days before the trip.

Izaya informs his class' teacher of this fact, laying it all out matter-of-factly to him after school. He tells Sensei that he could ask his aunt and uncle, who check in him less and less frequently with the older he gets, and see if they'd be willing to sign the forms, willing to drop him off and pick him up. If his actual parents' signature is so important, they could send a copy of the permission form to them or something similar.

"I'll discuss it with the other faculty," Sensei hums neither confirming or denying whether Izaya's suggestion will work to allow him to go on the trip. "I know you're excited for the trip, Izaya-kun, so I promise I'll see what I can do and if we can't make this happen."

But he's said the dreaded words, said "I promise", and Izaya knows, after two years and a stack of broken promises after that first initial one, that he won't be able to go.

" _I promise, this year Iza-chan!"_

" _I promise, we won't forget to come to your presentation!"_

 _I promise, I promise, I promise._

" _I'm sorry Iza-chan, work came up, we won't make it."_

" _I'm sorry Iza-chan, I got the dates screwed up."_

 _I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry._

So he's not surprised, disappointed yes but not surprised, when two days later Sensei asks him to stay after school and informs Izaya that, unfortunately, he cannot attend the year trip to Kyoto.

In March, Izaya's not surprised when his parents cancel last minute their plans to return to Japan for his Elementary graduation. When the picture is taken at the end of the ceremony of the graduating students and their parents, Izaya is left standing awkwardly by himself, the only student with no parents present. There are quiet murmurs from some of the other parents, but Izaya tunes them out. It's less painful that way.

His mother promises, once more, that this year they'll be home for his birthday. Izaya looks at the calendar, with its red circles, blue circles, green circles (green is what Izaya added, green meaning rescheduled and canceled and changed return plans) and listens to one of the twins wailing in the background – a year old, too young to be left alone at the house with Izaya and only their aunt and uncle checking up on them – and knows, though he doesn't say so, that this is another promise that will get broken.

* * *

April comes, and so does the start of middle school. Izaya meets Kishitani Shinra, a boy who has effectively and subsequently forced himself into Izaya's life with nary a care. Izaya who, up until this point, has been perfectly okay with his lonely school life. He never minded when students didn't interact with him, when they whispered around him saying to one another not to bother him.

But with Kishitani Shinra, everything changes, and suddenly Izaya isn't okay with his lonely school life any more.

With Shinra barging into his life, all but forcing him to start a Biology Club with him, Izaya turns from the quiet little boy in the corner of the class room into a more talkative, interactive student. Whether it's Shinra's own chattiness rubbing off onto Izaya, or just the act of Shinra extending a hand of friendship Izaya's never experienced before, there's no answer for the sudden one-eighty of Izaya's personality. The middle school teachers, who heard stories about him from the elementary ones, are just as surprised by the change in Izaya as much as he is when he realizes it, but they view the change as a positive one, rather than a puzzling one like Izaya does.

The school year goes on. As predicted, his parents don't return for his birthday, make another false promise, and Izaya doesn't say anything. He goes to school like normal, and doesn't mention anything to Shinra, who doesn't ask anything. Doesn't say anything. They've only been friends for a tentative month, so it's only natural.

Even though Shinra was the one who wanted to start the Biology Club, he quickly abandons it to Izaya and his devices, so he decides to turn it into a gambling ring. He can't really explain why – the idea of it is fascinating, and the idea of middle schoolers actually participating in it as well, - but whenever Shinra asks him to shut it down he shrugs noncommittally and doesn't.

Then, at the end of summer break that year, something unexpected happens.

Nakura, an interesting participant in Izaya's gambling ring, bites off a bit more than he can chew. Bets and loses more than he actually has. Izaya uses 'interesting' in way of describing Nakura's behavior.

The other student actually steals from his father's wallet, uses his father's money in order to participate in the gambling ring instead of just cutting his losses and leaving the group. And when he loses, instead of accepting the loss, Nakura tries to threaten his way into getting the money back. Money that, incidentally, Izaya no longer has.

Brandishing a knife, Nakura tries to intimidate him into returning the non-existent money, and Izaya's response is denial while picking up a lab stool to defend himself with. He's fully prepared and expectant of some sort of pain when Nakura rushes him with the knife.

Izaya's not prepared, doesn't expect, Shinra to throw himself between Nakura and Izaya and get stabbed.

Nakura runs away like a frightened mouse, and Izaya knows he has to call an ambulance. Shinra obviously can't, sitting on the floor, bleeding out, so Izaya has to call for help. Something similar to adrenaline rushes through his veins, his heart thumps loudly in his ears, pulse racing, his mouth gets incredibly dry, and instead of calling for an ambulance or help, Izaya does something else.

He makes the first and only promise he will ever make.

He kneels in front of Shinra, and takes Nakura's abandoned knife into his hands. Izaya's fingerprints cover up Nakura's, make it seem like he was the one holding it, not the other student. Izaya asks Shinra to lie, to tell everyone that he's the one who stabbed him, not Nakura.

Izaya promises Shinra to make Nakura regret this for the rest of his life.

And, as he chucks the lab stool out the window with all his strength to get the attention of the sports team below, Izaya intends to keep his promise to Shinra, unlike the promises everyone makes to him.

* * *

Promises, to Shinra, are like candy.

Over the course of their middle school career, while Izaya never makes another promise – and has several more broken – Shinra makes them, and breaks some, as if they are an endless supply. He doesn't care if he keeps a promise or doesn't, Shinra just makes them. It's forever confusing to Izaya, and he doesn't understand why Shinra makes promises when he doesn't intend to keep them.

By the time their second year of middle school rolls around, just the mention of the word "promise" makes Izaya want to cringe and, apparently, as Shinra points out one day during lunch, pull a face.

"Why do you do that?" He asks, confusing Izaya.

"Do what?" The question catches him off guard, from where Izaya had only been paying half-attention to the conversation.

"Make this weird face whenever I say the word 'promise' – there!" Shinra cuts off, gesturing at Izaya's face as the word passes through his lips.

"Ah, I just don't like it." Izaya shrugs. "People make promises they don't keep all the time, so it only makes sense to be disgusted with such happenings, doesn't it?"

Shinra hums, tilts his head to the side, and kicks his feet out to hit the underside of the desk. Closes his eyes, frames his face with his hands, and nods.

"I see!" He smiles brightly, startling Izaya, because he didn't think that Shinra would accept his reason.

From there on, Shinra never uses the word "promise" around Izaya again. Instead of saying "promise", he says "try to".

He's not sure, but he thinks that he's happy that Shinra puts forth that effort. That Shinra no longer makes promises to him.

Because it hurts infinitely less when Shinra says he'll try to do something and fails to do so, rather than when he promises to do something and fails.

* * *

His parents promise to come to his middle school graduation. Unsurprisingly, they fail to show up.

There isn't a phone call that year though, apologizing about how work came up or flights got canceled or anything. His parents allow Izaya to get his hopes up for once in his life, and then turn around and let that hope punch him in the gut.

Throughout the entire ceremony, he's craning his head, trying to see if he can spot his parents in the audience. He can't, but Izaya keeps telling himself that they're there, he just keeps missing them. Their flight was supposed to come in last night, but they never came home before Izaya went to bed. They weren't in the house when he left in the morning, but he keeps telling himself that they're there, that they didn't break yet _another_ promise, and without telling him.

"Are you okay?" Shinra cautiously asks him once the ceremony is over, while they're waiting for the gym to be cleared out. Once that's done, there's the graduation photo with the students and their parents. Izaya distinctly feels that this is going to be a repeat of three years ago.

"Of course I am!" Izaya replies, stretching a wide smile across his face while trying to pretend his heart is trying to escape painfully through his throat.

"Are you sure?" Shinra presses, an expression of concern – why would he be _concerned?_ – decorating his face. "You have this weird expression on your face."

"I'm fine, I'm fine!" Izaya insists, waving his hand.

"If you say so," Shinra shrugs, before continuing, "I wanted to ask if you wanted to go out to dinner after everything was done. My dad took today off, so he and my beloved Celty were going to take me out to dinner as celebration, and there's always room for one more."

"Thanks for the offer, but my parents are supposed to be here, so I'm probably doing something with them after." Izaya politely refuses, overlooking the strange look on Shinra's face that implies that he knows something. "Thanks again though."

"Your loss," Shinra doesn't press further than that, then they're heading out for the picture.

Shinra finds his father almost immediately, dashing off to join him, while Izaya is left behind, standing on tip-toes to look over the crowd for any sight of his mother or father. His heart is sinking with each family moving aside for the photo though and Izaya is forced to admit what he didn't want to. His parents didn't show up.

He's once again forced to awkwardly stand to the side, the only student whose family didn't show up yet again. Izaya feels like an idiot for allowing his hopes to get control of him, wondering what possessed him to think that his parents would actually keep a promise. Part of him wants to just outright ditch, as his parents aren't even there, but another part makes him linger, traitorously tells him maybe he missed them even when logic tells him that his parents just abandoned him.

After the graduation picture is done, before Izaya can hightail it out of there, Shinra catches him.

"Dad!" Shinra addresses a man in a gas mask as he captures Izaya's hand before he can flee, out of breath and lacing his fingers through Izaya's as if it will solidly stop him. Shinra's father and a woman dressed in all black with a yellow cat helmet – Celty, no doubt – approach the two as Shinra calls back to them. "Do you mind if Izaya-kun joins us for dinner? His parents are out of the area and couldn't make it, and he has no one to celebrate for us."

Izaya is confused, doesn't know how Shinra knows this information that Izaya never offered to him. It takes a moment to realize that Shinra's probably just making it up, guessing the reason as to why his family isn't here.

Shinra's father agrees to let Izaya tag along, and Izaya can't explain the emotions that wash over him. Shinra squeezes his fingers lightly when his father agrees, and something tightens painfully in his chest to the point that he feels like he's choking. Izaya allows himself to be dragged off though, to a restaurant he's never been to because he's had no family to go with, and even permits Shinra to forcibly take his picture, both just by himself and then with Celty taking a picture of the two of him.

(The next day Izaya wakes up to two five year olds jumping on his bed, and his mother humming downstairs in the kitchen as she cooks breakfast. When he comes downstairs, his mother asks him if he's excited to be graduating middle school today. The tightness that clenches in his chest chokes him once more as he informs his mother that the ceremony was yesterday. She frowns, apologizes, but nothing can ease the pain of the fact that this wasn't a broken promise, it was just his parents plain _forgetting._ )

* * *

His high school career flies by. Izaya's parents, his mother especially, seem dead-set on making up for the fact that they completely missed his middle school graduation, but of course that never happens. Promises are made to Izaya, and they are just as easily broken.

The twins no longer go abroad with their parents on business, both them and Izaya deemed old enough to remain home alone with Izaya watching over them. They start attending Raira's yoichen when they're five, the April after what Izaya's taken to referring to the "middle school graduation fiasco".

His parents promise to come home for holidays, to be there for presentations, recitals, for anything and everything school related and not. And they don't. Izaya has become desensitized to it so much over the years that it's almost surprising when his parents do follow through on minimal promises. These promises being to be home for the twins' birthday, which is surprising in itself because their birthday is Valentine's Day, and Izaya assumes that his parents would rather be spending it with one another, rather than entertaining their daughters on their birthday.

(Izaya's not jealous, he's not, he's just interested, simply fascinated, in how these people who claim themselves to be his parents fail to show up for one child's birthday for almost ten years will consistently show up for the other child's.)

First year of high school, Izaya meets Heiwajima Shizuo. It's hate at first sight, and they establish a routine of chases and instigation that continues on through not only high school, but into and through their adult life as well. Shizuo never catches Izaya, never beats him up, never hits him with anything he throws.

Shizuo swears that one day he will, that one day he'll catch Izaya and beat him up.

Izaya likes that he uses "swear" and not "promise".

* * *

As the years pass, broken promises continue to pile up at his feet like gold. Or, really, considering how many there are, maybe something more worthless than gold. Copper, maybe, or tin. They aren't all from his parents anymore – as he starts his business as an Informant when he's out of high school, the broken promises come from everyone. Clients, random people from the internet, the occasional acquaintance, until Izaya slowly comes to learn that broken promises are just a part of human nature. Humans always make promises, especially ones that they never actually intend to keep.

Izaya learns to no longer allow it to affect him. He learns to keep a blank face when someone makes a promise, learns not to say anything scathing or condescending to that person when he knows that they don't intend to follow through. He adapts, and keeps adapting. After all, with an area as ever-changing and volatile as Ikebukuro, one needs to remain on top of things and remain ever changing and fluid so as not to get lost in the whirlwind of all the interesting and supernatural occurrences.

As the years go by, an interesting thing occurs – Izaya and Shizuo start dating.

It's an event that occurs quietly – no one in Ikebukuro realize it's occurred until they've been dating for a few months and the local property damage has started to go down. Their chases are less frequent and while Shizuo still vows to catch Izaya, he no longer attaches the threat of beating him up to it.

Promises aren't a thing Shizuo makes to Izaya while they're dating. He always "swears" to do something or "swears" he did something.

Then, in the beginning of March, Shizuo does it.

It comes up when they're lazing on Shizuo's couch – Shizuo leaning against the arm, and Izaya draped lazily across him.

Shizuo starts off by asking when Izaya's birthday is, casually and in an offhand manner. His own birthday was a little more than a month ago, and they had celebrated with dinner in a private booth at Russia Sushi and dessert after. And then there was the twins' birthday just over two weeks ago, who forced them to abandon their Valentine's Day plans in order to throw their (ungrateful) selves a birthday party. Izaya wonders if Shizuo wants to plan something for him, then dismisses it.

"Ah," Izaya says in response, eyes looking upward because he actually has to think about when his birthday really is. He never celebrates it anyways, so he's never really had a reason to remember. "May fourth."

"Did you really have to _think_ about when your birthday is?" Shizuo's voice is a mix of amusement and incredulity. "I imagined you would've been the type of person to have it circled on the calendar, with special plans every year."

Izaya shrugs listlessly and tries not to purse his lips into a frown.

"We never really celebrated my birthday," Izaya says before he can stop himself, an astonishing amount of nonchalance and disinterest in his voice. "My parents promised they'd come home for it every year, but never did. Then it got to the point where I didn't have anyone to celebrate it with so I thought, why bother? It's just another day of the year." And then, to try and redeem himself and bring back at least a sliver of his personality, Izaya continues, "Besides, with so many of my lovely humans roaming around each day, why should I take a day to myself and miss all the interesting things they might do in my absence?"

Shizuo's frowning though, and Izaya feels distinctly as if he's said the wrong thing.

"I promise," He starts, and Izaya feels a lump in his throat, his stomach bottoming out, and his heart rate increase. Izaya does not like where this is going. "That I'll be there for your birthday this year."

Shizuo's saying something else too, continuing on with some other promise for what he'll do for Izaya's birthday, but he's stopped listening. He's too busy trying to process what Shizuo's said, wondering if he's misheard. He didn't though, and he doesn't know why he's trying to convince himself otherwise.

 _Ah, stupid Shizu-chan_. Izaya thinks to himself, a perfectly placid mask fixing itself on his face. _Making promises like that._

* * *

In the middle of April, Shizuo gets into an accident.

He's taken to Raira University Hospital and, because he's not family and the protozoan never listed him as his emergency contact, Izaya's not allowed to know what happened or if he's okay. Of course, Izaya doesn't care about not being told what happened – he can find it out himself. But if Shizuo's not okay, well, Izaya won't find that out until the worst happens.

Izaya arrives at the hospital when they're four hours into surgery on Shizuo. Kasuka was the one the hospital initially informed, and he told Shinra and Celty, but it took almost three hours and Izaya calling Shinra to complain about Shizuo being late for their unofficial date night for anyone to remember to tell him. (Honestly, Izaya isn't surprised, because while the younger Heiwajima is all right with his brother being _gay_ , he's not all that all right with him dating _Izaya._ )

After seven hours of surgery, a doctor comes out of the Operating Room, and tells them they did everything they could. For a wild moment, Izaya lets himself believe that the surgeon is telling them Shizuo's _dead_ , but instead it's the second-worst thing – Shizuo is in a coma, and they don't know when – _if_ – he'll come out of it. They're only allowing one person at a time to visit him, and it's silently decided to let Kasuka have the first visit.

As Kasuka disappears down the hall after the doctor, Izaya wanders down a different one to a bathroom. He needs time to compose himself, or something, to tell himself that even though he and Shizu-chan have been dating for almost a year this doesn't affect him as much as it really does. Izaya has a white-knuckle grip on the bathroom sink, with his head bowed towards it as he tries to ignore the shaking of his limbs and the burning in his eyes.

"It's okay to cry you know!" Shinra chirps suddenly from behind him, leaving Izaya to whirl around. "I mean, if you are capable of crying anyway. It's a natural and understandable reaction that occurs when ones significant other is put in a life or death situation."

"I'm not going to _cry_ ," Izaya says with a scowl. "Why would I? I've wanted a situation like this to happen for years."

"You _had_ wanted," Shinra corrects him. "You two are dating now – which is still weird, by the way – and it's okay to admit that you don't want Shizuo to die."

"I don't know what you're talking about," Izaya denies, and forces himself to look away from Shinra as he heads back out to the waiting room. He hears Shinra sigh behind him, and then he's out of the bathroom, whatever Shinra saying echoing in an empty room.

Izaya doesn't want to admit that Shinra's right.

* * *

What happened to Shizu-chan, Izaya discovers in the following weeks, was this: Shizuo happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time with a gang who had a grudge and the right things to attempt taking out the Fortissimo of Ikebukuro. It's child's play to find out who was involved in the incident and take care of them.

While Shizuo is in his coma, Izaya visits him every day. He limits his work hours, puts jobs on hold, and doesn't take on any new ones. Shiki-san is understanding and tells him that he can take his time with their job, because it's not terribly important. Izaya knows that it's a lie, but appreciates it nonetheless.

Two weeks pass, and Shizu-chan has yet to wake up. Izaya's not bitter, he's not upset, he just knows that this is the way things are – promises are made to be broken.

And no, that's not the reason he's upset. Izaya knows that it's petty to be upset over a broken promise considering the situation, but the illogical part of him still hurts. He unwittingly allowed some part of him to get his hopes up, think this to be the one promise that wouldn't be broken. Shows him right for hoping, Izaya thinks as he sits at Shizuo's bedside on the fourth of May, afternoon lazily drifting into early evening.

"Stupid Shizu-chan," Izaya has one of Shizuo's hands in his, wondering why he keeps torturing himself with this, when it feels like every day Shizuo doesn't wake up makes it less likely that he will. "Weren't you ever told don't make promises you can't keep?"

He doesn't notice the weak squeeze on his hand – he's imagined it so many times he just thinks it to be yet another one – or the change in the heart monitor.

Izaya does notice, though, the annoyed, slurred words that are directed at him.

"What the fuck you talking 'bout?" Shizuo's voice jolts him, and Izaya's head jerks up to see hazel eyes attempting to glare at him through half-closed lids. "I never break m' promises you shitty flea."

"Ah, Shizu-chan," There's a lump in his throat that he's struggling to speak over as he presses the call button to summon the nurse. "Didn't anyone tell you it's rude to insult the birthday boy?"

"Fuck you," Shizuo mumbles, lids fluttering as he appears to be fighting to keep his eyes open. His thumb skitters across the back of Izaya's hand, before giving it a tentative squeeze. "Happy birthday."

This is one promise, Izaya decides as he's relegated to the side when the nurses and doctors come in to look over Shizuo, that he's okay with being broken.

But only this one. If Shizuo does it again, he'll make his life even more miserable.

* * *

 _Please read and review~!_


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